Picking up the broken pieces...

Author Henri Nouwen once wrote,"When those you love deeply reject you,leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love even more fruitful". We may not agree with that,but it's the truth. Everyone has had their heart broken at one time or the other, but not everyone recovers from it. I am one of those people who have recovered from it; I decided to give another person, and another day a chance to prove the cliche  "all men are the same", and "everyone is wicked and selfish" wrong.

I would like to compare a painful heart break to your favourite mug accidentally breaking into a thousand pieces. If you are like me,it's not just the 'demise' of your mug that is painful,but the aftermath; a thousand fragments scattered all over the floor. It might take about four painstakingly and thorough sweeps  to get rid of all the sharp pieces. No matter how hard you try, it is an herculean, and almost impossible task to attempt gluing the broken pieces back together. If you succeed in gluing a broken vessel together, you may not have all the chips in place,and it is never restored to its former glory.

When we experience disappointment, loss, betrayal, distrust, we describe that sharp pain in our chest as a feeling of having our hearts broken into pieces. Whatever the reason was, the crisis never leaves us the same. In fact, we are left in shock,trauma, despair,bitterness,and sometimes shame. But  as unbelievable as it seems, YOU CAN pick up the broken pieces of your heart and live again.

Here are some helpful tips ;

• Take responsibility: you may have not being the murderer, cheating partner, abuser, rapist, but the whole situation has left you weak,and disoriented. In other words, you are an affected party,and you must admit its your life. You must decide to pick up the pieces promptly and get back on your feet, because time or life won't stop, and restart when you are back on your feet; it continues.
• Realise you will never remain the same:  a painful experience never leaves you the same, it creates an opportunity to either leave you bitter or  wiser. You have become less ignorant if you are faced with a similar crisis in the future,and you have somewhat become a stronger person,because you believe  you must survive as no-one has gone through similar circumstances. No matter how much you wish it never happened,or you never met Miss B,it will not change the present situation. You need to get used to this new 'dimension' , and mourn the loss of the present state of your relationship.
• Face it head on! : this actually is not the time to try and convince yourself the inflicting party does not exist,whether it is 'God' or man .  Neither is it the time to convince your self, the 'crisis' is not real. It is so easy to embrace fantasy and be quiet,if you found out your spouse cheated on you or is addicted to pornography. There really is no shortcut to healing . Imagine if you were involved in a hot water accident,and your skin scalded, do you convince yourself the pain and scald is unreal,or do you take the required steps to get better,and prevent a further damage to your skin. What you do when you face this Godzillan situation, is that the pain gradually lessens when you try to handle the problems, and you become a stronger person.
• Bawl your eyes out -if you must;  there's no substitute to using up a box of Kleenex. If you don't let it all out now,you only store up the tears until they harden up inside you,and become concrete. I'm just kidding,but emotional tears do have special health benefits. Biochemist and "tear expert" Dr William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Centre in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. So you see, being a crybaby hurts no one. When  you don't sort out the emotional pain through crying, writing, sharing with a friend, you are in the danger of trying to go round the situation.
• Lonely does not mean alone; we all have support systems that we may only get to be aware of when we face difficult situations. Whether you believe in their sincerity or not, just let your head, and heart believe you have other friends and loved ones. Life may initially seem meaningless and scary without that one person in your life,but you must learn its your job to fill in that emptiness creatively. Don't go over your head revelling in the temporary pleasures of rebound, one-night stand or taking it out on other people.
• You can go out more; take up a sport , and work out the pain and stress in a gym. You probably want to lock your self in your apartment,and be in your pyjamas all day,but step out of this maze. Go ahead and register with your local library, go on a vacation, or stay with a friend for a while. Go ahead and do what helps now. And if your spouse cheated on you,or is a pornography addict, do not just hold on to the words "I'm sorry" ,watch if his actions align with his apologies. Is he changing,or is he sorry he got caught? Do let him face the consequences of his actions, so he knows the gravity of his actions on your relationship. Kick him out of the house for a few days, or encourage him to join a fellowship, support system,or get admitted into a rehab centre.
• List your strengths: bathing yourself in your strengths is paramount at this time. If you have to daily look at your self in the mirror,and read the list to your self, go right ahead. It will remind you 'you are not so bad afterall', or 'you do not deserve to be treated that way'. this helped me a great deal,and it still does.
• Be someone's hero; when you decide to channel some of your attention to another who needs your help,or who is facing a similar pain, there is the tendency to forget what you are facing at that particular time. When you become someone else's  hero,positive emotions fill you up, and drive the blues away.
• Stay away from mutual friends; it is important to stay away from the friends who will give you a regular  update on the person whom you have lost or has hurt you. It only bathes you in misery and pain. If you have to create or join a new scooby gang, then do just that. It may not be as wonderful as being in the company of your old friends, but you need time and space to heal.
• Find Hope. hope is such a lovely state. Wikipedia defines hope "as a state which promotes the desires of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one's life,or in the world at large".  Hope is  believing this loss or pain  is temporary,and greater things are ahead. There are loads of  people out there waiting to meet you,and who will love you as you are. When you find hope, you are glad you went through this phase,because you are wiser,better and stronger. Let go of this phase, and the person who hurt you-it's for your own good,and for you to heal totally. In other words, forgive the person who has left you breathless,and dejected.

If you have tried all these,and you are still struggling to let go,there is the Ultimate resort who eases all your pain away, and gives you strength one day at a time-Talking to God.  So it's time to pull down that wall of defence around your already broken heart,halt the excuses and embrace life as it is-beautiful!